Dear Scott,

Unlike you, I’ve never been a car guy. Not only do I not understand how they work, I don’t understand what makes people so fascinated by them. Horsepower, dual torque, CarAssist – all of this jargon is lost on me. To be fair, my parents raised me on beaters; much like the first time I had grilled chicken, it was a big moment at age 35 when I purchased my first car that had been manufactured within the decade. I’ve never purchased a new car and, until I was almost murdered by a guy I met on Craigslist to whom I sold my 92 Accord, I had never even bought a car from a lot. My proudest car-buying moment was in 1997 when I was selling books door-to-door and bought a red 1985 Chevy Nova that wasn’t for sale after I’d forgotten to put oil in my blue 1985 Chevy Nova.

But I do have one strong opinion about cars, which is that you must purchase a minivan.

Deep down you know this, Scott. You’re just too proud, perhaps even deluded into thinking you’re still cool. I realize dads see their vehicle as the last bastion of coolness. Trends in fashion and lingo move too quickly, but if you can have a big, brawny SUV you retain an element of cache with the young’uns.

To that, I say phooey.

Four reasons for the minivan:

1. Sliding doors
2. They’re big enough that you can’t hear your kids in the back (or you at least can pretend to not hear).
3. Gas mileage
4. They are the ultimate utility vehicle. 95% of what you think you need a pickup truck for can be done by a van. “Yeah, but what about when I need to haul 12 yards of soil?” That’s why we have landscapers. Also not having a truck means not having to help friends and family with annoying tasks because you’re the “guy with the truck.”

Now I know what you’re thinking: a Subaru or a Honda Pilot can do most of the other stuff. And except for the sliding doors, you might be right. But to buy a minivan is to accept that being cool no longer matters. You’ve got a little more fat on your belly, a little less hair on your head, a little more hair on your back. You’re a dad of children for this 18 year stretch of your life. Embrace it. Be the guy who shows up to soccer practice, presses that glorious “Open Door” button, and watches seven kids pile in. Turn up the 3rd Eye Blind and peel away in a screech as the other dads struggle to get their kids into their Tahoes and Expeditions.

I guess what I’m saying is that part of our growth as men is about not giving a shit what anyone thinks about us. This is something I have a problem with: I spent an entire day asking Andrea if a shirt I bought was too small. I wear a hat all the time, not because I like it, but because I’m bald.

But I’m starting to feel myself move past the caring stage, and you should too. I found myself browsing the Mens Clothing section at Target yesterday, and I’m getting close to going all in at Costco.

You see Scott, the minivan is a metaphor for growth. We’re now in the utility stage of life, not the style stage. Let the other dads chase coolness. Accept who you are and your kids will love you for it. And so will I.

My sister? Not so much.

Sincerely,

Your Uncool Brother-In-Law, Rory