10 Things I Hate About You

By Rory Hughes

Adapted from “Against the Grain” column (March 2016 issue of Golf Chicago Magazine)

The minutiae of the Rules of Golf, as well as the unwritten rules of golf etiquette, are enough to drive Joe Public away from the game. However, this has led the rest of us to a sense of entitlement; as if because we know how to play and how to not be a jerk, we need not adhere to any other norms. In 2016, let’s all to stop doing the following on the golf course, not because there is an official rule that dictates them, but because they’re bothering me.

Stop saying “I never play like this” when you’re having a bad round.

This is a logical fallacy. That you’re doing it now is evidence that you do it. By insisting that your poor play is an anomaly, you’re actually accomplishing the opposite of your intent. Remember that every player has a bad day. How many times has a tour player followed up a 65 with a 75? That’s golf. Accept that how you’re playing at a given moment is not a reflection of who you are. Billy Shakespeare said it best: “Me thinks thou doest protest too much.”

Stop using your phone.

The only exception is if you have kids, in which case you may do so sparingly and inconspicuously. You’re on the course to escape life’s obligations. If you can’t do that and enjoy your round, then get off the course. I don’t care about your important client or your nagging boss. I don’t want to play golf with someone who can’t be fully present. By definition, if you’re checking your phone, you have something else more important to do. Go do it.

Stop playing out the hole when you’ve reached your handicap limit.

We have handicaps for a lot of reasons, one of which is to speed up play. You pull-hooked your drive into the creek, sprayed your third into the woods, bladed your fifth into a pot bunker, chunked your sixth thirty yards short of the green. Now, calmly reach down, grab your ball, place it in your pocket, mark an “X” on your card, and watch the rest of us finish; this will also give you time to reflect on what you’ve done.

Stop getting mad at yourself.

Another logical fallacy. Only one “you,” exists, so to get mad at yourself is actually an admission of insanity. Plus, I don’t want your bad vibes.

Stop narrating your round.

“Should’ve hit a 6 there…man, that putt broke more than I thought…I think I tweaked my elbow…wow, that turned out better than I thought…I’d forgotten this was Bermuda…I actually birdied this hole yesterday…jeez, I can’t believe I’m already 10 over. I don’t think I’m gonna break 90 today…” I understand that some of us think, then speak; some of us speak, then think. But this is not your skull session at work or the dinner table or any other place where it’s acceptable to “think aloud.” To be sure, I’m no mute on the course. I’m happy to discuss just about anything in the world — except your round.

Stop not reacting when you hit a good shot.

If you’re taking cues from Lucas Glover, Danny Lee, Gary Woodland, or any other expressionless doorknob on tour, then you’re already in trouble. I’m not expecting a Cam Newton celebration, but if you jar one from 70 yards, give me more than a half-hearted shrug. It’s downright disrespectful. When blessed with such a stroke of luck, you owe your playing partners and the game at the very least a hearty fist-pump or a Mickelson phone booth leap.

Stop not reacting when I say “Nice shot.”

Plain dickish.

Stop saying, “But I was hitting it so well on the range.

Really? So was every other human who ever hit balls before a round. “It giveth and it taketh away” is one of golf ’s core tenets. You’re not entitled to a good round because you hit it well on the range. You’re not even entitled to hitting it well on the range. You, my friend, are entitled to nothing. Besides, if you had so much fun on the range, go back there and let me finish my round in peace.

Stop not having cash to pay up on bets and/or tip the cart girl.

You’re either unprepared or you’re cheap. Either is intolerable for a golfer, let alone a human. Please leave home a few minutes early and stop at the ATM. The golf course is not a place for credit cards, or PayPal, or IOUs; it’s one of the last bastions of Grown Man-itude, where we smoke cigars and swear at each other and pay with crisp bills.

Stop forgetting your score.

If you’re one of those “I don’t even keep score, I’m just out to have fun” types, you need to either tell me on the first box or stop lying. We’re not kicking around a soccer ball or shooting hoops. You just paid $50 in the pro shop, grabbed a scorecard, and proceeded to commence a game which is based entirely on posting a score. If you don’t keep score, then you don’t play golf. And certainly don’t announce that you got a birdie after you supposedly are “just messing around.” You may not have it both ways. Besides, the golf gods only smile on those who keep score.

These guys know my rules. From left: pops, me, uncle, biggest bro, big bro

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